Thinking the Unthinkable

It’s July 30^th, a year after Steve’s body was found. I went to visit the place where he was found and went to the cemetery to bring flowers and said a prayer for him.

Flowers for Steve

I was dreading this day. I wasn’t really sure how my day will pan out. But I guess, I have to go on as I do everyday – go to work and then take care of Kyle when I get home.

It had been more than a year since the unthinkable happened. And yet, the memory is still fresh like it was only yesterday. The pain is raw like a wound that wouldn’t heal. I still can’t believe he’s gone. A few days ago after all these months, our little munchkin asked me that he wanted to see his Daddy…that he missed him. I was speechless and all I could do was to hug our little one.

Reading books and positive affirmations sometimes help me alleviate this heaviness in my heart.  I’m trying to live through this but sometimes it can be too much.  Out of necessity, I’d compartmentalized my grief, and I read somewhere that it can only work so far. What I know for sure is that I’ll never forget the people who had caused so much pain to Steve.  Losing Steve hurt me, my son and my family in ways that can’t be quantified. They will be held accountable for their actions. And when that happens, then maybe I will finally be at peace.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” ~ Washington Irving

In closing, I would like to request to say a little prayer for Steve’s eternal peace. Thank you.

Thanksgiving

It’s been a while since I wrote something here. The tragedy that happened to our family had been taking it’s toll. At the end of the day, I was just exhausted so I’m trying to sleep more. At the same time, I didn’t want this website to be a pity party.

Thanksgiving Flowers For Steve

Can A Dinosaur Die?

Uncle Jim & Aunt Irene visited us last month and the little munchkin was just really happy spending time with them. A few weeks before they arrived, he had started mentioning and asking about his Daddy in more frequency. I’m always unprepared whenever he mentions Steve.

Walt Disney’s Dinosaur

It’s not that I don’t want the little one to mention and ask for his Dad. It’s actually great that he still remembers him. It’s just that what I’m concerned about is my reaction to his questions. Most of the time I don’t have any answer at all and all I can do is just hug him. Also, it’s the longing in his voice that I hear that really rubs it in. It’s like he’s expressing what I’m feeling inside that I’m trying to quell because sometimes, I have to.

A few weeks ago, I borrowed the Disney animated film, “Dinosaur” from the office library for our weekend movie marathon because the little munchkin is crazy these days about dinosaurs. I won’t be surprised if he turned out to be a paleontologist  someday. He can actually tell me their names or the different types of dinosaurs which is kinda cute. There was one scene which is almost at the end of the movie where the tyrannosaurus rex

Working Smarter Rather Than Just Working Hard

Because of the recent tragedy in our family, I’d been reflecting on what are the most important things in life. A few of the things I’d been thinking about are time and work. Don’t get me wrong. I love what I do for work. I’m thinking about how I’m going to juggle quality time with my little munchkin and being my best at work at the same time. Because of this, I’d been reflecting on about the American perception of working hard. I’d been hearing about this “working smart” idea for the longest time and I want to apply it to my life somehow.

Making Time

Working smart is not about working less or not working hard at all. I think working smart is about finding the job that you’re passionate about, balancing life and work by spending quality time with your family, taking care of your health and rejuvenate, and still have time to take care of your chores.

According to the American Psychological Association, we have an overstressed nation. “As the aftershocks of the Great Recession continue to be felt across the country, money (76 percent), work (70 percent) and the economy (65 percent) remain the most oft- cited sources of stress for Americans. Job stability is on the rise as a source of stress; nearly half (49 percent) of adults reported that job stability was a source of stress in 2010 (compared to 44 percent in 2009). At the same time, fewer Americans are satisfied with the ways their employer helps them balance work and non-work demands (36 percent compared to 42 percent in 2009).” This stress could translate to physical and mental health problems.

I don’t always agree on Bill Maher’s politics but on this one he has a point: “Our politicians love to brag, “The American worker is the most productive worker in the world.”  Yeah, ’cause they work scared. That’s why a majority don’t even take all of the few vacation days they get.  Because you don’t want to seem less valuable to your boss…”

There’s a movement named, “Take back your Time” which is working on ideas for an action and a comprehensive program to win more free time for Americans. They have a website:

http://www.timeday.org/

Also, they’re promoting a bill called” The Minimum Leave Protection, Family Bonding and Personal Well-Being Act:

http://www.timeday.org/right2vacation/Minimum%20Leave%20Protection%20Bill.pdf

I’d been thinking about how this proposed bill would mean to me. I work on a contractual basis and I think about what will happen when my contract ends this year.  I really like where I’m working now which have a flexible working time. Because our government  don’t have any mandated vacation time, I worry about the next job that comes along.  Would it have the same working conditions that I have now?

I’ m also thinking about the employer’s perception on single parents. Even if there’s a considerable progress that has been made here in this country, there’s still a perception that if you’re a woman and you’re the sole provider for the child, you’re somehow limited on what you can do at work. I think that if you’re not available to work overtime because you need to pick up your child at school at a certain time or you have to take a half day off so you can be with your child  for their dance recital, it doesn’t mean that you’re not capable of the job. I think that mandating vacation time would protect my quality time for my son,  for myself and still be productive at the same time.

It’s ironic how Americans joke about how other industrialized nations have mandated vacation time with an average of 20 days paid time off on top of public holidays and sick leaves and yet, we secretly wish we have the same thing.

Halloween 2012

Happy Halloween

Holidays are difficult without Steve. It’s a reminder that we’re celebrating these important days without him. Last year, we spend Halloween at the East Coast. It’s one of our favorite holidays, especially for my brother in law. It also gives us an excuse to be silly & wear costumes. Steve is not a costume-y kind of guy. The most costume that he would wear would be a devil’s horn that I bought for him years ago for the West Hollywood Halloween Parade but he loved bringing along the little munchkin for trick or treating. This time I decorated a little bit outside our home. I think I was  making a concerted effort to compensate for Steve’s absence.

Happy Halloween

Halloween 2011

This year, we had full day celebrating Halloween. The nursery had a little Halloween party with the kiddos  wearing costume during the day.  I left early from work so  I can bring the little one trick or treating at the mall since they stop giving treats at 7pm. Then I brought him to the Los Angeles Live Steamers to ride the Halloween Train. Before the night ends, we drove all the way to a family friend’s Halloween Party to meet up with my cousins and celebrate the rest of the Halloween night there. The little munchkin was wearing his dinosaur costume, playing around with my cousins roaring and eating los of candies and chocolates. He definitely had a sugar overload that day.

Halloween 2011

Halloween 2011

The next day when he woke up, instead of asking eggs for breakfast, he was asking for a lollipop. That made me smile.

Halloween 2011

Halloween 2011

Are you a Grief Victim or a Grief Survivor?

Being a victim is a state of mind dictated by others.

A survivor dictates his or her own state of mind.

 

A victim fears the moments of grief.

A survivor welcomes those moments!

 

A victim knows about feeling down and tries to stay up.

A survivor knows feeling down is okay.

 

Steve’s pumpkin tree

 

A victim tries hard to hide the tears.

A survivor never leaves home without kleenex.

 

A victim struggles to maintain a state of normalcy.

A survivor knows normal no longer exists.

 

A victim gets caught in isolation.

A survivor reaches out when they need to.

 

A victim is afraid they in time will forget.

A survivor knows they never will!

 

A victim sometimes feels guilty laughing.

A survivor laughs through their tears.

 

A victim tries at times to block out the memories.

A survivor embraces memories of all kinds.

 

A victim wants someone to cure his or her grief.

A survivor just wants someone to share his or her journey.

 

A victim struggles to get over their grief.

A survivor fights to get through it.

 

A victim tries to get on with their life.

A survivor lives their life knowing nothing will ever be the same.

 

A victim says, “Oh I’m okay”…then secretly cries.

A survivor openly cries… and says, “I’m okay.”

 

~Author Unknown

 

I came across this piece from the support group that I attend to whenever I can. I hope that somehow this will help someone who is also suffering from a loss.

Memories

“Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they’re also what tear you apart.”
~ Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

I know that it’s coming from the heart when people tell me that I can take comfort with the good memories I had with Steve. I do appreciate the good thoughts and prayers that’s coming my way, even from people who I don’t even know and just happen to stumble about Steve’s story from the news or from the webpages.

Steve Swimming in the Open Sea

I don’t know if anyone could understand that when I think about him, I would rather have him than thoughts of him. Thinking about all the things we’d done, all the places we’d traveled together, it just makes me yearn for him more. I just ended up sobbing. I wish I could make more memories with him but I can’t. I’m very aware that this is all a process. I have to learn and to accept how to live without him. And that thought still makes me cry. How can anyone eventually live without the love of their life? I don’t even know if anyone has an answer to this.

Boracay Trip with Steve

There are occasions that any thoughts about him makes me smile. Most of the time, it’s something that someone said that reminded me of a joke that Steve and I shared, or something funny that Steve said or did when he was still alive. There are just a few people who knows this side about Steve. He was just more than a quiet man.

My family and friends literally embraced Steve into their lives.

By the way, to those who sent messages, condolence or mass cards, funeral flowers, gifts and donations to me, I’m truly grateful for all your generosity. I haven’t finished with my thank you cards but know that all of you had touched me deeply with your kindness.

“Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depths of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy autumn fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more.”
~ Alfred Tennyson

Boracay Trip with Steve

FBI Academy Class 08-17

“…when he shall die,

take him and cut him out in little stars,

and he will make the face of Heaven so fine

that all the world will be in love with night

and pay no worship to the garish sun.”

~ Romeo & Juliet, by William Shakespeare.

Steve’s Graduation from the FBI Academy

This was written on the card that Steve’s former classmates gave to me. A couple of his former classmates came over to my home a few weeks ago to personally deliver a gift to me and my little one. It was unexpected and I was really touched by their gesture. They shared a few stories about Steve and I was craving for any narratives about Steve at work.

When Steve was in Quantico, we talked almost every day and he mentioned that being at the academy was gruelling but he enjoyed every minute of it. Since he kept to himself, he connected only with a few people. Even so, he felt that he had a good vibe with the rest of his batch mates. He always talked about visiting his roommate who was assigned at Central California but we never get to do it. Life takes over somehow. This is just one of the countless things that we had planned to do together and now he’s gone. Gone…it still hurt to say that word.

When they left, I couldn’t help tears rolling down my cheeks. I read the letter and the card over and over again at night. It was like a piece of him that I have in my hands. His Field Agent Counselor talked about how he was a model New Agent Trainee at the academy at that time and the comforting words from his fellow special agent was a balm to my grief at that moment.

I am truly grateful to you all, FBI Academy Class 08-17.

 

“The LORD keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.”

~Psalm 121:8

Dr. Neal Haskell, Forensic Entomologist

It took me a while to find Dr. Neal Haskell.  During my research if there’s a science that exist to determine the decedent’s time of death during an advanced stage of decomposition, I stumbled on the Caylee Anthony’s story.   He was one of the Forensic Entomologists who had determined Caylee Anthony’s approximate time of death. If you watch Investigation Discovery, you’ll learn that Forensic entomology is an application and study of insect and other arthropod biology to criminal matters.

Dr. Neal Haskell

The LA County Department of Coroner hired a Forensic Anthropologist to help with Steve’s manner of death but she told me that after two days, it’ll be hard to determine the decedent’s time of death. The reason why I sought out Dr. Neal Haskell was because I believe

Where Is Daddy?

Occasionally, the little munchkin and I will go out for dinner instead of staying at home on a weekday.  I would still cook but not that often since it’s just me and the little one. Most of the time when we go out, he would order his mac and cheese. It’s interesting to see how different restaurants interpret their own version of mac and cheese. I think he had tasted them all. He’s my little creature of habit.

Daddy and Me, 2010.

After our meal, I brought him inside the public bathroom for potty time. As I was cleaning him up, he looked up to me and started talking: