Grief & Loss, Healing, Quotes & Excerpts, Reminiscing, The Aftermath, Thea's Thoughts

Memories

“Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they’re also what tear you apart.”
~ Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

I know that it’s coming from the heart when people tell me that I can take comfort with the good memories I had with Steve. I do appreciate the good thoughts and prayers that’s coming my way, even from people who I don’t even know and just happen to stumble about Steve’s story from the news or from the webpages.

Steve Swimming in the Open Sea
Steve Swimming in the Open Sea

I don’t know if anyone could understand that when I think about him, I would rather have him than thoughts of him. Thinking about all the things we’d done, all the places we’d traveled together, it just makes me yearn for him more. I just ended up sobbing. I wish I could make more memories with him but I can’t. I’m very aware that this is all a process. I have to learn and to accept how to live without him. And that thought still makes me cry. How can anyone eventually live without the love of their life? I don’t even know if anyone has an answer to this.

Boracay Trip with Steve
Boracay Trip with Steve

There are occasions that any thoughts about him makes me smile. Most of the time, it’s something that someone said that reminded me of a joke that Steve and I shared, or something funny that Steve said or did when he was still alive. There are just a few people who knows this side about Steve. He was just more than a quiet man.

My family and friends literally embraced Steve into their lives.
My family and friends literally embraced Steve into their lives.

By the way, to those who sent messages, condolence or mass cards, funeral flowers, gifts and donations to me, I’m truly grateful for all your generosity. I haven’t finished with my thank you cards but know that all of you had touched me deeply with your kindness.

“Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depths of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy autumn fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more.”
~ Alfred Tennyson

Boracay Trip with Steve
Boracay Trip with Steve
Grief & Loss, Healing, Quotes & Excerpts, Thea's Thoughts

FBI Academy Class 08-17

“…when he shall die,

take him and cut him out in little stars,

and he will make the face of Heaven so fine

that all the world will be in love with night

and pay no worship to the garish sun.”

~ Romeo & Juliet, by William Shakespeare.

Steve's Graduation from FBI Academy
Steve’s Graduation from the FBI Academy

This was written on the card that Steve’s former classmates gave to me. A couple of his former classmates came over to my home a few weeks ago to personally deliver a gift to me and my little one. It was unexpected and I was really touched by their gesture. They shared a few stories about Steve and I was craving for any narratives about Steve at work.

When Steve was in Quantico, we talked almost every day and he mentioned that being at the academy was gruelling but he enjoyed every minute of it. Since he kept to himself, he connected only with a few people. Even so, he felt that he had a good vibe with the rest of his batch mates. He always talked about visiting his roommate who was assigned at Central California but we never get to do it. Life takes over somehow. This is just one of the countless things that we had planned to do together and now he’s gone. Gone…it still hurt to say that word.

When they left, I couldn’t help tears rolling down my cheeks. I read the letter and the card over and over again at night. It was like a piece of him that I have in my hands. His Field Agent Counselor talked about how he was a model New Agent Trainee at the academy at that time and the comforting words from his fellow special agent was a balm to my grief at that moment.

I am truly grateful to you all, FBI Academy Class 08-17.

 

“The LORD keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.”

~Psalm 121:8