Funeral, Healing, Recovery, Reminiscing, The Aftermath, Thea's Thoughts

Seeing Steve Again

In the 80 days that Steve had been missing, I’d always anticipated that he’ll be coming back home. But sometimes, it felt like that the probability of Steve coming back was nil. There were times I’d felt uneasiness in the pit of my stomach because I had no idea where he was.

A Man In Brown Suit
A Man In The Brown Suit

The longest time Steve and I were apart was when he was training to become an FBI Special Agent. We didn’t see each other for two months and yet, we called each other almost everyday. After that, I would visit or stay with him. I knew then where he was and he was doing something really important for himself and I supported that. We always supported each other’s career. We both believe that a person’s work should be something that you enjoy. It should be more than just a job.

The EAP staff from the FBI picked me up from work that morning when the news broke out that Steve had been found deceased. My mom and my aunt were out of town and Kyle was in the Nursery. They were keeping me company but I felt so alone. When the SAC finally confirmed that it was his gun, I just wanted to ran out and see Steve. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t see him. Everybody around me was saying:

“No. You can’t.”

“We’re still processing his identification.”

“It’s not a good idea.”

“You may want to remember the way you remembered him when he was alive.”

And so on.

He’d been found and I couldn’t see him? I couldn’t comprehend that at that time. I wanted to know for sure that it was him. My mind was processing that he had passed away but here in my heart, he was so much alive. I didn’t care what state his body was in. The Coroner Detective already warned me that he was in the advanced stage of decomposition but I still wanted to see him. So, I have to wait until Steve was transferred to the Mortuary. When the Funeral Director called me to ask if I still wanted a private viewing, I said YES.

I’ll never forget that day, seeing Steve again. I touched his forehead because I wanted to touch him again and to see if this was real. I broke down in tears because I was thinking that this was not supposed to happen. Not to him. Of all people, not my Steve. My mom and I said a little prayer for him. I had to see him again because I know for sure that the “not knowing” would be worse than death for me.

3 thoughts on “Seeing Steve Again”

  1. You are still in our hearts and thoughts, and we welcome hearing about how you are doing. I appreciate your updates. Hugs, and hope to see you both soon. I can’t believe how tall Kyle is becoming. All those who knew Steve will remember him each time they see Kyle. Steve’s loving legacy will live on. xoxo


  2. I have been following this sad story since Steven went missing. I am so sorry he is gone from this earth. I sense he was being bullied at work and that is so so wrong. I have been bullied at work too and I am a LEO too. I try and tell my kids to stand up to bullies and it is hard to do as an adult. I am so sad for Steven’s pain and now your family’s.


  3. The reason I left MN some years back was because of work place bullying. Sadly, it is not a crime. I was bullied by someone who held a lower rank than me but was of a skin color who had the gall to call me, an Asian, prejudiced. I sold my house at a huge loss. I was satisfied where I worked at. I went through all what was called of me when this happened. But there is absolutely nothing anyone can do. I was single and alone. My co-workers were not exactly supportive of what I was going through. It was very painful. Back then, there was no name for it. Today, it is called work place bullying. The law of Karma is yet to fulfill itself. I have moved on but can not forget the pain it caused me and lengths I went through to be away from it. Healing takes time but the experience has stayed with me. Does that mean I am not healed?

    You have always been a great friend, Thea. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Some day we can sit by the beach and perhaps heal. I always see the beach, the vasT ocean in my mind. Each wave that crashes on the shore brings in bew possibilities for the make of that shore. The infinite ocean, to me, represents infinite possibilities. Perhaps one day, when we sit and talk by that shore, the ocean will heal us.

    I miss you, Thea.


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