Recovery, Thea's Thoughts

5th Day of Recovery

We had started working on the preparations for the funeral service the day before just in case it was him. I was numb with pain but I have to do the 1001 task that needs to be done.

A Sunflower To You

The FBI SACs met with me at home regarding the updates on benefits which was one of their Continue reading “5th Day of Recovery”

Recovery, Thea's Thoughts

4th Day of Recovery


You know how some families, they just accumulate stuff when they cope with trauma and loss? Our family is different, we purge –  throw things and clean. My house was getting back in order again just like before the depression hits our family.


It was Steve. It is Steve. And yet another roadblock. Date of Death: July 30, 2012. WTF?

Photo by Polina Zimmerman on


Recovery, Thea's Thoughts

3rd Day of Recovery

CLOSURE – A feeling of finality or resolution, especially after a traumatic experience.

and Steve was found
and Steve was found

It is still a foreign word to me. They say this is closure. He has been found. What more do I want? But I have to be honest. I know I’d said I wanted to know and find him in whatever state he was in but in any recovery of the missing, we always want the missing person to be alive. That’s the ultimate truth.

There’s no word yet from the Coroner Detective. After he’s been missing for 80 days, I wanted to see if it was him.

Thea's Thoughts

80 Days

Steve is a New England sports fan – Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics, and Bruins. Our home is here in LA but he’s a Bostonian through and through. He would also check out local news in Boston online whenever he gets the chance.

Daddy and Me
Daddy and Me

We used to go and visit his family twice a year and when the little munchkin was born, it went down to once a year because it’s so hard to travel with an infant. So, my mother-in-law would visit us even Continue reading “80 Days”

Thea's Thoughts

79 Days

Family Time.

I’d never thought there’ll come a time that we’ll be having family dinner get- togethers  without Steve. He has always been there. These days, whenever we have get togethers, we talk about how Steve would have this and that, how Steve would have reacted, what Steve would say. He hasn’t been there physically, but it’s as if he’d never disappeared. He has been present in my family’s  hearts and minds.

[singlepic id=11 w=320 h=240 float=center]

Whenever my family and extended family are around, I feel that I’m in a cocoon, a safe Continue reading “79 Days”

Thea's Thoughts

76 Days


People wear their faith in different ways and I think that’s what makes a person unique from each other. I see rituals as a guide to keep me centered in communion with Him. I see my faith as a way to help me go through this current crisis in our family. My faith helps me in believing that miracles do happen. A miracle happened to my family a year ago and I believe it’ll happen again soon.

Saint Anthony with Jesus
Saint Anthony with Jesus

I’d always use the regular prayers to start off my conversation with God. That’s how I pray. Just a regular conversation like I was talking to my mom or aunt. A week before the Prayer Vigil for Steve’s Continue reading “76 Days”

Thea's Thoughts

69 Days

Find Me and AZ-STAR,  a unique team of search volunteers who are coming from Arizona,  almost couldn’t make it this weekend because the hotel they’re trying to arrange for accommodations changed  their rate. I’m really glad that Detective Gordon from the Burbank Police Department helped out these groups to negotiate a better rate in a different hotel which is the Holiday Inn.



I had an interesting discussion with a family friend last night. She told me that when she deals with her own problems, she prioritizes the things that she needs to do depending on the role which is the most important for her – as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter, as a sister, as an employee, etc. She advices me that I should Continue reading “69 Days”

Thea's Thoughts

62 Days

The Prayer Vigil.

There are things that we did during the prayer vigil to make it special for Steve: we had a prayer box where all the guest can write their own personal prayer for Steve; the lighting of a candle to guide his path going back home safely to us; we played the song, “Rose”; and a mass release of monarch butterflies which we also did during our wedding reception 8 years ago. These are 62 butterflies to mark each day that Steve has been missing. This means a promise of a new beginning  or a new chapter in our life together when he comes back home to me & our little munchkin.

I hope and pray that you'll come back home soon, babe.
Stephen Ryan Ivens, a loving husband & father. I declare that he’ll come back to us safely, soon.

Continue reading “62 Days”