My morning ritual has changed. Before, Steve would drop off our little munchkin to the Nursery school. These days, I would drop him off and sit with him for a little bit while he eats his breakfast. After that, I would attend the morning mass and then head out to work.
I miss doing our chores together, our “divide and conquer” routine in the morning and in the evening when we both get home from work. I miss our “winding down” time together when after all the chores and the little munchkin had been tucked into bed, we relax in front of the tube, snuggled together at our sofa, and share a bottle of beer or a wine cooler or he would make hot tea for both of us. Even after 75 days, I still miss Steve so badly that it does feel like a physical pain. Everyday, I listen to his message in my voicemail that I had saved on my phone.
Last weekend when the volunteer groups from Arizona helped our family to search for Steve, I was having ambivalent feelings. I wanted this so much to end but what if they did find Steve there in the mountains. What would it mean? I know the answer but it was something that was in my head that didn’t want to process. When they didn’t find anything, I was somehow relieved. I still have to check any information with Detective Gordon but still. If they did find him, they would let me know.
Thank you for listening.