I live in a nightmare that never ends.
I now sleep in a dreamless state. And if I do dream about Steve, I can’t remember what it was when I wake up. I wake up in the morning and I still unconsciously reach out on the other side of the bed where he used to be sleeping. Steve usually brings our little munchkin from his room to our bed & we all lay down there snuggling for a few minutes. The little one finishes his milk and we all get up to get ready for the day. Most of the time, we both bring our packed lunch & have breakfast at work, too. In the corner of the dining room, his lunch bag is still there but empty. So, dinner is an important part of the day for the three of us. We’re all together, eating together as a family but now he’s not there.
At work, most of the time I can concentrate and feel normal for hours. But I know that my colleagues know and give me the space I need to cope which I really appreciate. But along the day, there are moments that it just hits me. He’s still missing. I look out at the window, there’s the Verdugo Mountains. A trace of his scent was found there and it taunts me. After work, I sit still for a little while at the driver’s seat, thinking about him, worrying about him, worrying about our little one, missing him, wondering if I should have done things differently, and wishing that I could take back the time. But I can’t.
So here I am campaigning for the awareness that Stephen Ryan Ivens, my husband – is still missing. However long it takes, whatever it takes, I’ll never stop. I know I’ve said it before that there’s a 50/50 chance he’s out there alive. There’s also 50/50 chance that he has passed away. I will continue on with my search, in the streets of San Fernando Valley or beyond. I will still continue searching within the Verdugo Mountains.
But I can’t do this alone. I do need your help.
This kind of nightmare, I’ll never wish on anyone. I never thought this would happen to me or to our family but it did.
To the previous Let’s Bring Steve Home Search Volunteers and Search and Rescue Teams that helped us, thank you so much. All of you are giving me hope and making me feel that people do care.
This coming Saturday, we’ll do our search again and concentrate around the streets within San Fernando Valley area. If you have a few hours to spare, please join us. Here’s the details of the event: